Swirlygate Atlantis: Exploding Enemies
by Sage Darkwoods
Summary: The team beats a hasty retreat as they come into contact with the locals. Again. Written in the "Swirlygate Atlantis" universe; contains genderswitched team and parodies of SF themes. And exploding rodentia.


**Swirlygate Atlantis: Exploding Enemies**

**Author:** sagedarkwoods  
**Characters:** Team, gen  
**Word Count: ****1130**  
**Rating:** PG for exploding bits

**Spoilers:** AU; set after Season 2

**Warnings:** Contains a genderswitched team, and exploding rodentia.  
**A/N:** Written in the Swirlygate Atlantis universe, found at .com/swirlygate/

**Summary: ****The team beats a hasty retreat as they come into contact with the locals. Again. **

**Satirizing: ****the ability of non-explosive things to explode.**

Lieutenant Colonel Joan Sheppard leapt over a fallen log as she ran full-tilt towards the tree line. She knew that if she could just get her team there, they could lose the pack of hungry-looking – what were they? Overgrown squirrels?

"Sheppard! Have you lost your mind?!" huffed Dr. Meredith R. McKay, as she nearly tripped over the same fallen log. "You're bringing us to a bunch of trees! They're squirrels! Or not-squirrels! They LIVE THERE!"

"The jumper's that way, Mer! I'm pretty sure it's where I left it."

"Pretty sure?!" Meredith's voice reached a pitch similar to that of the giant squirrels, who chattered to each other as they chased the team. They were tawny-coloured, and about the size of miniature collies, though less fluffy.

"There's a clearing just beyond the line," Teyla added, right before he shot a few rounds of the P90 at the rodents. A round caught one of the not-squirrels near the shoulder, and it landed heavily on the ground. The not-squirrel next to it screeched to a halt, then proceeded to drag the injured one up, so that it was supported, and they began a slower jog to join the rest of the pack. Joan allowed herself a small smile; even the not-squirrels don't leave team behind.

Joan pressed ahead, glancing behind to see if she needed to pull her team along. Ronon took the rear, sending a few rounds out to discourage the not-squirrels, her dreads whirling behind her as she shouldered the P90 and ran. Teyla was in front of Ronon, P90 clutched in one hand, while the other fumbled with a pack at his waist. He withdrew a small, oval-shaped device, and grinned at Ronon over his toned shoulder.

"That better be what I think it is," Ronon rumbled in her low alto, catching up to run next to Teyla.

Joan had a few seconds' warning to grab McKay by the TAC vest, who had been huffing and puffing her way across the field. Teyla lobbed the grenade at the stampeding not-squirrels, and the team hurled themselves forward, bracing for the explosion. The area around them and the not-squirrels exploded in a shower of dirt, debris, and gore, splattering the group.

Meredith sputtered as she pulled herself off the ground and out of Joan's grasp. "Did you see that?" she asked no one in particular. "They exploded."

"Well, yeah Mer, it's a grenade," Joan replied, sitting up and flicking a bit of not-squirrel off her elbow.

"Well, duh, Sheppard. I meant the not-squirrels. They exploded as well as the grenade. It's utterly impossible for rodents to be explosive, unless they fed on a diet of nitroglycerin and gunpowder, besides the obvious lust for human blood." Meredith gesticulated rapidly at the rest of her team, rolling her eyes. "Besides, where would one find such a ready supply of explosive chemicals to eat? This has got to be one of the strangest planets we've found yet, and I for one can't wait to get off of it."

Ronon smirked at Joan; the rant was typical McKay for "I'm freaked out about exploding squirrel on my uniform." She picked a bit of bloody fur off the top of her head and sniffed it. "Doesn't look good for eating, anyways."

Teyla, for all his serenity, grimaced. "I for one don't think I will be eating for a while after this."

"Oh, god, me neither," Meredith added, as she stood up, getting her bearings about her. "Let's get away from the exploded rodents now."

Joan stretched out her legs, and stood in a fluid motion. She led the way to the clearing just beyond the tree line, where she knew she had parked the jumper. She thought it into appearing, and they boarded without incident. Meredith instantly started to complain about the lack of a shower or any type of suitable washing facility, to get off the remaining gore on her uniform, and wouldn't the laundry duty hate them for this one. Without a word, Joan tossed a Power Bar at McKay, who caught it and tore into it greedily, all previous thoughts about not eating vanished. Ronon took Meredith's P90 and hung it up next to hers in the weapons locker, and stored Joan and Teyla's as well. Joan sat down on the bench and rubbed her calf; a twinge in her hamstring told her she probably pulled it.

Sheppard watched out of the corner of her eye as McKay tucked into her second Power Bar. "Teyla, answer me something. You're a warrior amongst your people, right?"

"That is true," he replied, stretching out his toned limbs. Looking at him one wouldn't assume that he could kick the ass of people far larger than his petite frame, but the fresh face and sly look hid strong, lean muscle with a lot of power behind it.

"So, how come there aren't many Athosians who can fight like you?"

"Yesh, I fout sho!" McKay mumbled around the mouthful of Power Bar. She hastily swallowed. "Why are the rest of the Athosians kinda, you know…" she held her arms out and waggled them in front of her vaguely. Teyla raised an eyebrow.

"Scrawny?" Ronon supplied, failing to suppress the smirk.

Teyla pressed his lips together and composed himself. "I was trained in the art by my father. There are only a few who were before we had to keep moving around. Open training grounds were a luxury we could no longer afford, due to the Wraith."

Meredith clamped her mouth shut and looked a bit sheepish. "Right."

"I could teach you some more, Meredith," he said, a spark of mischief in his eyes. "We could develop an exercise routine, to tone those muscles from being, what was it Ronon? Scrawny?"

"Alright okay, I get it. I'm usually too busy working out my _brain_ in trying to keep this city staying afloat, or exploding, as parts of it can actually do, unlike those inexplicable squirrels. It's inconceivable! Oh hey!" Meredith cut herself off, snapping her fingers rapidly. "Ronon, have you seen The Princess Bride yet? We should make that our next team movie night."

Shaking her head, Joan slipped into the cabin and thought up the HUD. She wouldn't trade her team for anything; especially not for exploding squirrels.


End file.
